Glen Beck Has Two Brain Cells

"Kay, Rob. Yes, but...I mean, look, I-I-I'm just going to be straight with ya, American, this is not something I'm proud of but uh, uh I did inhale. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I did everything you could possibly do...I wasn't really...I mean there's like one br...actually two brain cells up in my head...one's justs going breath, dummy, breath and the other one is just scattering around trying to figure everything out. You can't tell me that marijuana is good for your health."

Sean Penn and Dustin Lance Black Win!

Thank the academy that gay rights won last night. I think I'm in love with Dustin Lance Black, Oscar-winning writer of Milk. I at least have a new hero.

And Sean Penn. Way to be aloof about winning.

So the gay agenda advances... What does this all mean?

Getting To Know You

I've been seeing a boy lately and I'm really getting to like him. It's like I'm in high school again. And just like my teenage years, I get all stupid and head-over-heels thinking about him. It's endearing and sentimental but I am only human. I'm trying my best to see as much of him without becoming an annoyance and I'm incredibly glad that Ryan shares my affection. He constantly thinks he's acting like a dork in front of me when in reality I just happen to be adroit at hiding my giddiness. But honestly, I don't hide it that well.

Ryan is a ginger, lean build, just short of six feet, and does manual labor. He has a personality as attractive as his face and he likes my smile. Right now, I'm just getting to know him and I'm very carefree about it. I'm not going to worry about dating or starting a relationship or becoming boyfriends--no. We're still getting to know each other and that's it.

The Internal Revenue Service of Portland, OR

Today I took a trip to the IRS in downtown Portland in order to get information about my Annual Gross Income for 2007 to complete my 2008 tax returns. You have to go through a metal detector, but don't worry, I was allowed to keep my shoes on.

There's a sticker of Obama on my laptop, and, just like when I go through security at the airport, I put my computer in a separate container. A man behind me noticed the sticker.

The guy said: "You got a picture of the anointed one there."

Yup. Hallelujah.

I wait in line at the center, looking around at the building. It's sterile and stale. I swear, federal buildings need some serious feng shui. The cubicles were completely enclosed, just rows and rows of gray little boxes with numbers on them, probably stuffed with government workers auditing citizens one person at a time.

And get this. When I get my AGI for 2007, the agent looks at my information and says: "I don't believe."

He didn't believe I made as little money as I did that year. Thank God the bastard wasn't doing my taxes.

In the end, my tax return got approved and I'll be getting my refund and the end of the month. I wish I could say something like, then I lived happily ever after. But that would be presumptive of me.

More Ugh!

I'm taking this period of unemployment as a time for me to simplify my life and wait for good things to come. Yes, I am still "diligently looking for employment" (as required for my deferment for student loans and the unemployment benefits that I don't qualify for), but in my down time, which is like, all my time, I am taking my positive energy and creating beautiful things.

One of those things is dance. I just came back from a hip-hop class at the gym and I feel pumped. I'm trying to put more 'Ugh!' in my life, Julia Stiles style. You know, ugh! in my attitude. Ugh! in my smile. Ugh! in my game. All I need now is a crew and I'll be set.

For those of you's out there (that's right, I said you's) who are also down and shit out of luck, I suggest to to put a little ugh! in your life too. If you're unemployed, so are millions of Americans out there, and the numbers won't be improving anytime soon so ugh! to the economy. If you're lonely, well love yourself because ugh! you are beautiful. And if you can't dance, then ugh! when you walk. Straight to the unemployment office.